Life and emotional attachments! And a shared dream from long ago.

Life and emotional attachments!
Days are going by, I'm living, but still have this vague stagnant feeling within me that craves to go do something.
That being said, I'm somewhat, what they consider a closet case. I don't consider myself to be such, but I stay somewhat feeling trapped on decisions on what to do next. Now I don't want to sound crazy, but I always seem to do so. So here is what I "propose"....

I'm waiting things out until I figure things out in order to "do what I set out to do"!?!

So I like to stay home, not because I am lazy, but because I have these voices shouting from everywhere that I shouldn't venture elsewhere because of some impending doom that lurks on the outside. I do the greatest of my ability to ignore this, but as of late...That seems to be getting closer to me than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's some kind of criminal mind in hiding and waiting for me? Or maybe it's awaiting someone else, and the wires are being crossed somehow and I am receiving something not even directed towards myself?

Now I don't know if this thing is an inward loop of fear, or if someone is messing with my mind signals, maybe an inner voice or "something(or someone) that is intervening" with my processes in life in general. To be brutally honest, I feel it is the latter! I must also note though, there is also another voice saying "their intentions are to love me"...See I keep getting mixed messages and mixed signals that can be a bit confusing to the brain in this all to mixed up thought process.

Honestly though, there is so much chaos out there in this whole entire world that saddens me. I often wonder if I am the only one, experiencing these add feelings and receiving such odd impressions. Something within me says "I'm not the only one", but another part of me doubts that and asks "Why me?"

I had a dream once (Okay, maybe more than once), where everyone had to leave on a big cargo plane, because where we were, was going to be attacked or in some kind of danger or plagued or something like that. Everyone, including my children and other loved ones/friends. They were all boarding this plane, BUT I said NO, I said I wasn't getting on the plane! This cargo plane was like the ones you see animals transported to their countries, after being in captivity. BUT...It was one of those huge ones, that they have enough room for elephants and big animals like that. This was very odd though, people were boarding from land while this plane was in the water. Which strikes me as odd, because everyone walked from ground and than walking through water and boarding the plane that way. It was a very odd looking plane for a cargo plane. People entered the back, like animals...through this large drop down back door. If you can picture that.

Anyways I always think about that dream, I had it so many years ago, but I always ended up getting myself left behind while everyone I loved and everyone else, left to go to safety. I always ask myself why I wouldn't go, it's as if I wasn't ready to move on or to leave my home and place I love. I'm still unsure to why I had this dream and usually I am pretty good at figuring them out, after thinking them over.

I don't have aids. It's a more complicated illness and I care not to explain! Maybe I have this strong emotional attachment to life that keeps me going.....Anyways...
Loving you all and thinking of you and the world deeply lately.
Unknown Sender